I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale