Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
War & Peace
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.