I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.