I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
You Might Also Like
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”