I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.