I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.