I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
You Might Also Like
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.