“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Aaaa…CHOO!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.