I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
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We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
me hooking up with my ex
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Not all heroes wear capes…
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza