I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.