I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Erm…
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.