I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
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It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Netflix and awkward silence?
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
A roof is a house hat.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.