I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
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Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…