I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
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BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Harsh but fair
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this