I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
is this meant to deter me
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.