@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

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@RickAaron

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.

@Contwixt

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@goodgrief_rats

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

@PerkyandSaggy

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

@blondebombs

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

@AimeeHelene1

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

@KentWGraham

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.