I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
You Might Also Like
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Room with a view.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?