@mdob11
@RickAaron After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
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@RickAaron 
@Contwixt “I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
@Death_Buddy FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
@goodgrief_rats Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
@PerkyandSaggy *Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
@blondebombs They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
@AimeeHelene1 DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
@TopherKearby Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
@KentWGraham Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
@msdanifernandez I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.