I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy