“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
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My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
How can I say no to this ?
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
58.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?