I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
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“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.