I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?