I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.