“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
starting a garage orchestra
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.