I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag


Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel


I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.


Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs


Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.


After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.


I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.


When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”


Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine