I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
THIS HEADLINE
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”