I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
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Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.