@PettyRuxpin83

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

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@SardonicTart

Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

@longwall26

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@ilovecuredmeats

[crime scene]

•detective flips open pocket watch•

Hmmm…precisely what I thought

“What’s that sir”

•closes watch•

It’s lunch time

@LeonEarlgrey

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

@TrophyCatas

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

@AndyAsAdjective

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”