“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
iPhone X
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell