“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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Put the is in disheveled
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause