I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

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[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?


Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.


Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.


We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears


My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.


GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems


[first day in the Coast Guard]


Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.