I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
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Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Spider-cat: No One Home
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.