I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero