The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
You Might Also Like
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”