@Rlpihl

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

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@Jake_Vig

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Why are you late?

ME: I was at church.

HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?

@NathanBgood

They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.

@Sanbel11

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

@MelvinofYork

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

@OctopusCaveman

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”