I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
You Might Also Like
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet