I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!