I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”