I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
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Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
6: are snakes just neck?
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.