I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
*exercises sarcastically*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Trumpy Cat
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
God, I love Scotland