I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
This tweet has been deleted
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin