I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.


After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.


Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.


Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space


‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am


Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed


What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?


I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?


MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal


October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.