I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I’m sure it’s fine.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :