I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Botany good plants lately?
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
yes… yes…
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys