I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.


The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…


A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach


Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.


I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.


“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”


Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.


[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes


GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you


Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister