I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.