@david8hughes

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

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@AngieDavisHaha

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

@thetobbie

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

@MrEd_EVH

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

@JohnLyonTweets

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

@SamSykesSwears

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

@AllanForsyth

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

@Reverend_Scott

[rubs magic lamp]

GENIE: You get 3 wishes

“Anything?”

GENIE: No wishin for more wishes

“I wish for more genies”

GENIE: I don’t like you

@QwertyJones3

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister