I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
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Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you