I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”