I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
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*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you