I’m not proud
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
the council will decide your fate
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
my fav colour is also hitler
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT