“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Bed should get ready for ME
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.