I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
When the stylist spins you back around
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.