I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.