“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”