I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
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Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus