I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
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When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit