“I’m not responsible for your happiness”
Me: good thing cause you’re doing a shitty job
You Might Also Like
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
🤣😂🤣😂
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”