I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Practicing safe sax
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
tourist season
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.